Mauricio, a patient at the Centro de Atención Integral (CAI) for Survivors of Extreme Violence, Torture and Cruel, Inhuman and Degrading Treatment of Médecins Sans Frontières in Mexico.

Mauricio is painting a picture in a room at the CAI. It is different layers of blue: from the darkest, at the bottom, to the brightest, at the top edge. "This is my life," he says. "It's changing, like the colors." And now where are you? "Up here." This is one of the psycho-educational activities at the CAI. Through painting, Mauricio recounts what he went through and his recovery process. Now he has even proposed an exhibition of his work at the center.

He wears a blue plaid shirt, gray sweatpants, a white T-shirt and is clean-shaven. He talks inwardly, as if trying to decipher what he feels. Mauricio - he prefers not to give his last name - denounces having been tortured by the Mexico City police and accused of a crime he did not commit. He is 20 years old and is from the state of Mexico. He was studying Information and Communication Technologies.

"The central idea of my painting is about freedom. When I went through that situation I realized that there were many things I took for granted. I hadn't given them like enough value."

"Here they sell little fish in the markets, in bags, with a little bit of water, and the little fish is there all the time until they buy it. And I felt like that fish that was in a little bag, locked up.

"That sensation of freedom and of the layers, at the end of the day, what the painting represents is the layers of the sea, the more you go down into the sea, the more you press and the darker it gets".

"Let's say that as the layers advanced, I began to see more clarity. Then that feeling of going up, there began to be that clarity, and I began to feel more like my life was at the top".

What was the recovery process like?

"Maybe I wouldn't be here, or maybe I wouldn't be the way I am if it wasn't for my family or my friends, because they've been like a support. They have been the support network that I could kind of take refuge in when I first got home to my family, or when I went back to school because all my friends who cared. I thought that label, that stigma, was going to stay."

"But the stress that I was bringing to school when I came back was very draining for me because I was dealing with that feeling of protecting yourself and the feeling of having to go back to my ordinary life again. It was very complicated because I felt like a lot of burden, a lot of responsibility."

"With this exhibition (the one she wants to do) I'm also going to talk about things that are a little bit of a stronger point in the situation I've been in, like feelings of justice."

"Maybe what I had would have turned into another disorder like acute stress, or post-traumatic stress, like a snowball from something I was not to blame" (if I had not received support from family and therapy).

What happened?

"A relative with whom I had no contact for a long time, let's say he had taken another direction in his life, in which, let's say, he began to commit crimes. Since I had a family relationship, just for that reason, for having a family relationship, many people pointed me out as guilty, or said that if they are relatives, they must be the same".

(Context note: we know he is referring to a serious crime, apparently a homicide).

"I knew absolutely nothing about what was going on at the time, but at the end of the day let's say they arrested me, and they used these torture-like methods on me to tell the truth or get the truth out of me. But they couldn't get the truth out of me because I didn't know anything".

He describes beatings by the agents.

"One policeman finally got tired, took the safety off a gun and made it look like he was shooting at me, but he had no bullets. At that moment it was like something broke (inside me)."

Mauricio was released but went through a trial. He was exonerated.

"They (the police) only did it as if to put a little star on their foreheads to say I am working, I am complying, I am exercising the law, but at the end of the day you are only taking people who have nothing to do with it."

It is February and he has been at the CAI since October.

"We have to look differently at the people who are in prison because many times they are there because others want them to be there. I was lucky enough to get out, but many people feel as if they have no voice".

 
Brenda, CAI patient

Brenda is 33 years old and is from the department of Colón, in northern Honduras. She is another patient at the CAI of Médecins Sans Frontières in Mexico. We meet her in the center's courtyard, next to her 9-year-old daughter, who wears a cap and plays with play dough jars, and who finds it difficult to walk upright. Attention to her daughter is one of the things that most absorbs and worries Brenda (she prefers not to give her last name), who left Honduras in September 2022, leaving behind her other daughter, 14 years old.
She says that the gangs extorted and blackmailed her, taking advantage of the situation of the daughter accompanying her on the trip. Something that also happened to her along the way. She does not speak with anger or drama, but above all with resignation, with weariness.
"My daughter's case is not as strong as others. Now I have more hope that she will get over it, and those things are what motivate me to continue. There are days when I want to throw in the towel, there are days when I cry, when I can't do it anymore."

"Sometimes you think that death is the end of all problems. And then I realize that everything has a solution except death. So sometimes the end of something can be the beginning."
Her husband died, but she prefers not to talk about him too much, because he mistreated her.
"There are many women who leave my country because they fought with their ex-partners or with the drug traffickers, and sometimes they don't make it.
Her daughter is stimulated with different games: with little balls, moving her arms, trying to grab things... Brenda tries to be optimistic and feels excited about her daughter's struggle.
"I am learning about myself and my daughter is teaching me day by day."

"We came fleeing from the city of Ceiba, because the maras have reached there and now there is a lot of pressure."

She says that she tried to denounce the extortion by the gangs and that earned her a "beating".

"If you do it again, they told me, we will kill you and your brothers.

The situation became untenable for Brenda, who had to pay the extortion to the gangs.

"I had to fight for my daughter and be paying. My daughter depends on a lot of medicine. I no longer had anywhere to draw from, I was paying rent too."

So she decided to leave. But along the way, problems followed.


"I had complications at the border of Honduras and Guatemala to get my daughter out because they asked me for a passport, and they asked me for a letter from her father. The father is dead.
I was forced to bribe some officials".

(We include this detail for context but I don't know if it creates confusion to publish it, as she does not explain the circumstances of this, and the stress she is under perhaps makes her feel a sense of persecution). In Tapachula (Mexico's border with Guatemala) Brenda first came into contact with MSF. "I wasn't talking to anyone. MSF staff would talk to me and I hardly spoke to them, I would just tell them that I didn't want anyone to come near me and I didn't talk to anyone because I felt that weight of persecution behind me."

When MSF identifies cases that are particularly vulnerable or in need of special attention, it tries to get people treated at the CAI in Mexico City. Often this is not possible due to each person's migration process. There is an effort now to decentralize these CAI services, so that in all projects, border projects as well, there are the necessary tools to address psychological support for survivors of torture, extortion, traumatic situations... Brenda ended up at the CAI in Mexico City.

"Here I have all the time for my daughter. They give her therapies. We are kind of having a new beginning, but it has been very hard."

"In the end I know that God through my daughter gives me strength to keep going and not give up. That the fears are also disappearing little by little."
Brenda wants to go to another country. She has started the resettlement process and has three options: Australia, Canada and the United States. She does not yet know where she will go.